Divorce
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Building Strength to Children
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DIVORCE – CHILDREN AND THE GRIEVING PROCESS
The five basic stages of grieving which children of divorce undergo are as follows:
DENIAL: Your children may deny that the separation/divorce is really happening. They may continue
to harbor the fantasy that the other parent will come through the door and the family will be “whole”
again Discussions with your children during this stage may be met with silence and a “closed mind”.
It is important to not push your children into acceptance at this stage, but rather just be there for
them and continue to try to communicate with them.
ANGER: Your children may become angry with you, the other parent, siblings, themselves and may, in
fact, be angry at the whole world. It is very important to reassure your child during this state that,
while it is okay to be angry, it is important to direct this anger in an appropriate way. Hitting a pillow
is acceptable, while hitting a sibling is not. During this stage, children often try to assign blame for
the end of the family that they know and may try to place the blame on the “missing” parent. While
this may give you a twinge of satisfaction, it is extremely important that you not allow your children
to do this. Constant reminders that both parents love them are necessary to overcome this part of
the grief process.
BARGAINING: Another part of the brief process is bargaining. “If you come back home, Daddy, I
swear I’ll be good”. “I will keep my room clean, Mommy, if you just come back home.”. It is
important to understand that your children may feel incredibly helpless in the face of all these
changes. These feelings coupled with the feelings that they did something to bring about the divorce
often cause children to try to bargain their lives back to the way they were. It is especially
important during this stage to continue to reassure your children that they had nothing to do with
the separation/divorce and to gently remind them that things have changed and that you are there to
help them get through it.
SADNESS: Of all the emotions, this is the one that is the most healing. It is important for your
children to be able to grieve while letting go of their old lives and accepting that things will never be
the same. While there are no timeliness as to how long this stage lasts, it is important to be aware
that this stage can also lead to depression. Be aware of your children’s actions during this stage.
DEPRESSION: If it looks like your children might be experiencing emotions beyond sadness, be sure
to schedule a complete physical for them and let your family doctor know what’s going on. It
everything checks out physically, your doctor may be able to refer you to a child therapist that can
help your children learn to process all the emotions they are feeling. Early intervention is the key to
dealing with any issues, especially when it comes to your children.
This article comes from the Childhood resources, a parent’s guide to difficult family issues.
The five basic stages of grieving which children of divorce undergo are as follows:
DENIAL: Your children may deny that the separation/divorce is really happening. They may continue
to harbor the fantasy that the other parent will come through the door and the family will be “whole”
again Discussions with your children during this stage may be met with silence and a “closed mind”.
It is important to not push your children into acceptance at this stage, but rather just be there for
them and continue to try to communicate with them.
ANGER: Your children may become angry with you, the other parent, siblings, themselves and may, in
fact, be angry at the whole world. It is very important to reassure your child during this state that,
while it is okay to be angry, it is important to direct this anger in an appropriate way. Hitting a pillow
is acceptable, while hitting a sibling is not. During this stage, children often try to assign blame for
the end of the family that they know and may try to place the blame on the “missing” parent. While
this may give you a twinge of satisfaction, it is extremely important that you not allow your children
to do this. Constant reminders that both parents love them are necessary to overcome this part of
the grief process.
BARGAINING: Another part of the brief process is bargaining. “If you come back home, Daddy, I
swear I’ll be good”. “I will keep my room clean, Mommy, if you just come back home.”. It is
important to understand that your children may feel incredibly helpless in the face of all these
changes. These feelings coupled with the feelings that they did something to bring about the divorce
often cause children to try to bargain their lives back to the way they were. It is especially
important during this stage to continue to reassure your children that they had nothing to do with
the separation/divorce and to gently remind them that things have changed and that you are there to
help them get through it.
SADNESS: Of all the emotions, this is the one that is the most healing. It is important for your
children to be able to grieve while letting go of their old lives and accepting that things will never be
the same. While there are no timeliness as to how long this stage lasts, it is important to be aware
that this stage can also lead to depression. Be aware of your children’s actions during this stage.
DEPRESSION: If it looks like your children might be experiencing emotions beyond sadness, be sure
to schedule a complete physical for them and let your family doctor know what’s going on. It
everything checks out physically, your doctor may be able to refer you to a child therapist that can
help your children learn to process all the emotions they are feeling. Early intervention is the key to
dealing with any issues, especially when it comes to your children.
This article comes from the Childhood resources, a parent’s guide to difficult family issues.
Disclaimer: BS Kids LLC legal research and information has been prepared for educational and informational purposes only. This material is not
legal advice or legal opinions on any specific matters. Transmission of the information is not intended to create and receipt does not constitute a
lawyer-client relationship between BS Kids LLC , the author of the information and any other legal publisher. Customers of BS Kids should not act
upon this information without seeking professional counsel. The opinions expressed in the material presented to BS Kids clientele is based on
information found in legal publications. BS Kids LLC, 78 Canterberry Court, Hudson, NH 03051 781-756-1214.
legal advice or legal opinions on any specific matters. Transmission of the information is not intended to create and receipt does not constitute a
lawyer-client relationship between BS Kids LLC , the author of the information and any other legal publisher. Customers of BS Kids should not act
upon this information without seeking professional counsel. The opinions expressed in the material presented to BS Kids clientele is based on
information found in legal publications. BS Kids LLC, 78 Canterberry Court, Hudson, NH 03051 781-756-1214.
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